she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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