i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
