how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
