You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
