I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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