I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
