Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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