Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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