White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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