These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
