plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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