You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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