I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
