I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just took my morning after pill in the library
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
