my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
