Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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