my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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