She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
