Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
