i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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