Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
