I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
