Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
