I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
