Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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