I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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