I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
