she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
