12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
