My friends, they love my intelligence
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
