please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
