She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
