Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
