So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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