some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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