So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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