Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dick very happy bro
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
