walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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