Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
