Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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