My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
