Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
