Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
