a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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