Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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