i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
