nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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