I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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