Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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