I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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