my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
