I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
