i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
