She's JV to your varsity
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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