dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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