The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
