Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
