I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
