dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
