I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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